Wilma Lee (Condrey) Roush

They say the first year after losing a loved one is the hardest. I believe it. September 13, 2013, my entire family (husband, kids, parents, sister, brother-in-law, and grandparents) arrived in Orlando, Florida for what was supposed to be an incredible week-long vacation. God had other plans for our family, because that night, in the early morning of September 14, my grandmother let go of this life, and triumphantly grasped the hands of Jesus, who took her into the next.

The next few days were a blur. Because she was "unattended" at death, there had to be an autopsy. No definitive arrangements could be made, because A. we were in Florida, away from home, and B. her desire was to be buried in Arkansas, where she had been born and raised. We attempted to make the most of the rest of our vacation. We went to the beach and watched the magic of children, oblivious to the pain of death, laughing in the sand as they made castles and hopped the waves rolling in. We ate lobster and prime rib, and joked how it was cheaper without her, knowing she would have waved her finger and given us a stern look. We took my grandpa to Disney World, a magical kingdom he'd never been to, where my grandma's kisses were replaced by those of Minnie Mouse. We swam in the pool, the pool that made me choose the resort we had stayed at, because it had a zero-level entry that she could have easily gotten in and out of. We cried, we laughed, we told stories and jokes, wishing, aching, dreaming of how differently that vacation would have gone.

Suddenly, her body was released from the morgue. The distractions of Orlando were over, as we parted ways, some to Arkansas to plan the funeral, and some to Michigan to return home before traversing to Arkansas to meet up for the service. Her funeral was held on a beautiful day; it was about 75 degrees and sunny; she had to have been interceding on our behalf. She was laid to rest near her husband's family, in a cemetery used by many of our family members (including Noah Wesley Hampton, who our son Wesley was named after).

On the way to Arkansas for the funeral, I became consumed by the following lines. The grandchildren had all been asked to come up with something to remember her by. This was my contribution:

WILMA LEE

MY EARLIEST MEMORIES ARE FILLED WITH HER SPIRIT.
I NEVER IMAGINED MY LIFE WITHOUT HER IN IT.
BORN IN THE OZARK MOUNTAINS IN THE EARLY FORTIES,
SHE WAS THE THIRD OF FOUR CHILDREN BORN TO ED AND RUBY CONDREY.
OVERCOMING TRIALS AND HURT,
TO THREE CHILDREN SHE SOON GAVE BIRTH.
SHE LOVED THEM FIERCELY AND DEVOTED ALL SHE COULD
IN BOTH THE BAD TIMES AND THE GOOD.
SHE MARRIED DENNIS, MY PAPAW WHEN I WAS IN MY MOTHER'S WOMB.
I WATCHED THEM WEAVE THEIR MARRIAGE TOGETHER ON A GODLY LOOM.
ALTHOUGH NOT PERFECT,  SHE TAUGHT ME SO MANY LESSONS.
AND BROUGHT TO MY LIFE SO MANY BLESSINGS.
AFTER RAISING HER OWN KIDS SHE HELPED WITH GRANDS AND GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN.
AND GRIEVED FOR THE ONES WHO PRECEDED HER TO HEAVEN.
I'LL MISS HER COLESLAW,  CHOCOLATE GRAVY AND CORNBREAD;
HER SOFT ACCENT,  SONGS SHE SANG, AND COMFORTING WORDS SHE SAID.
I LEARNED TO SING AND LOVE THE LORD,
BECAUSE SHE LIVED HER LIFE ABIDING BY HIS WORD.
HER FAITH IN GOOD WAS UNWAVERING; SHE KNEW JESUS WAS THE ONLY WAY.
SURROUNDED BY HER FAMILY THAT NIGHT,  DOWN HER HEAD SHE LAY.
AS SHE SLIPPED AWAY FROM HER BROKEN BODY THAT WOULD NEVER MEND,
SHE GREETED THAT ANGEL BAND LIKE THEY WERE OLD FRIENDS.
TO ANYONE ELSE,  SHE'D HAVE BEEN KNOWN BY GRANDMA,  GRAM OR GRANNY,
BUT FOR US,  WE SIMPLY CALLED HER "NANNIE".

Travel Tips! *UPDATED October 2017*

At least 5 times a year, I get requests from people who want to know how I can afford to travel so much, and where I get my deals. So here's a blog post that can be referenced at any time, by anyone with questions. :-)

First of all, what kind of a vacation are you interested in? An all-inclusive (where everything--flight, hotel, meals, drinks, activities, etc. is included in the price)? A cruise? Just a week in a hotel? A family vacation? Adults only?

Hotels
Hotels are hit-or-miss sometimes if you're only booking a hotel. Rarely can booking directly through the hotel get you the best price. I love Hotels.com because of their rewards system. 10 nights = 1 free night. It's easy and straightforward, and they usually have the best prices. Using travel apps can sometimes get better pricing than using a desktop or mobile site. Always double check for coupons that can be applied to your booking! Orbitz, Travelocity, and Expedia regularly offer coupons that can save you up to $200 per booking, but make sure you read the fine print!

 Priceline 
Hotwire 
Orbitz
Kayak
 
If you are unfamiliar with the "name your own" price or "blind bidding" options that Priceline and Hotwire offer, BetterBidding.com is a very useful resource. One big thing to keep in mind-- unless otherwise specified, most of these types of hotel bookings are only for two people, and some hotels will not allow you to have extra people in the room, especially if you booked through Priceline or Hotwire.

All Inclusives

The best places I've found to get the best deals for all-inclusive packages are the following:
Orbitz
Apple Vacations
Cheap Caribbean
BookIt

Occasionally, you can find better deals through the traditional online travel agencies:
Travelocity
Expedia
FunJet

There's always Kayak, which compares a bunch of different travel sites at once, although it does not include every site nor every airline.

When you find a hotel you're interested in, be sure to check pictures and reviews on Trip Advisor so you know exactly what you're getting into before you book, so there's no disappointment or surprises once you check in.

Cruises

The best basic resource for those new to cruising--or addicts--is
Cruise Critic. Their forums are invaluable and they have tons of reviews and tips.

My favorite cruise lines:
Carnival
Royal Caribbean
Princess

The best places I've found to purchase cruises:
Cruise Quick
iCruise
Cruise Compete

Sometimes you can get the best deals from the cruise lines themselves, although there are some online travel agencies that offer "extras" like onboard credit or other extras like shore excursions or spa treatments.

Family Vacations

The best way I've found to travel as a family is to purchase week long vacation certificates. Occasionally, Sky Auction will offer them for around $270. That's for the entire week! We've used them multiple times and have never had a bad experience! You can get up to a 3-bedroom condo* for a whole week, with a kitchen, free laundry facilities and ensuite bathrooms. This has been the #1 most affordable way we've found to travel as a family--and the separate bedrooms give mom and dad privacy.

*Note: this is still a great way to travel as a family, but you almost always have to pay an "upgrade" fee of anywhere from $100-$500 now for 3+ bedrooms. I won't elaborate on my level of irritation about paying more for something that used to be included, but then again, I'm a budget traveler.

Trip Advisor

My absolute favorite travel site to visit is Trip Advisor. The site is a wealth of knowledge. There are forums, hotel reviews, and guest-taken photos, not resort-enhanced photos. I always double and triple check hotels before I book with Trip Advisor, so I know if the food is good, if the amenities are what I need, and if the beach is a pretty blue instead of a yucky green or brown.

Hope this helps! If you need more info, don't hesitate to ask!

Notes From A "Bad Mom"

I should preface this blog by saying not only am I a bad mom, I'm really a horrible mom. Really. I've seen you other moms and how perfect you are and how great you parent. Clearly I'm failing. It started before Andrew was even born...

I had caffeine during my pregnancies. Both of them.

I signed my epidural form at 28 weeks. Yeah. An epidural. I didn't have a "natural" birth. I was clearly out to get my kids before they were even born.

I had a hospital birth. And enjoyed it. And asked to stay an extra day. Golly. Clearly I should have been at home, cooking and cleaning.

I let them take Andrew into the nursery so I could sleep. I know. Moms are supposed to be martyrs, right? My concern for accidentally hurting my kid while I was totally sleep-deprived and wanting to go home well-rested to take good care of him was clearly way off base.

I only breastfed Andrew for 4 months. I know, I know. I should have a toddler hanging off my boobs, but hey, I wasn't making enough milk. So instead of starving my kid, I made the horrible decision to give him formula.

Let's see...oh yeah. The second pregnancy. Where the horrible mom stuff started. Where did it all begin?

I asked for a C-section. That's right. Asked for one. Because twin pregnancies get complicated. Babies die. And sometimes when you've pushed the first one out, the second one gets hung up and you need a c-section anyway. But ya know, my body knows best, right? I should TRUST MYSELF. So there ya go. I failed not only my kids, but myself in asking for a c-section. Of course, if anybody wants to talk to me about details of pushing out a baby who's been dead for 10 days, let me know...I'd be glad to share it with you. Even though I am rotten for having asked for a c-section.

We turned both of our kids around in their car seats at a year old. My fear of my kids choking while eating something in the car and not being able to see them outweighs the paranoia of the parents who keep their 14 year olds in a backwards-facing five-point harness, thankyouverymuch. And if you really think I'm crazy, there was a really interesting study done about the actual safety of car seats  vs. seat belts for children over the age of 2.

Both of my kids had peanut butter before they were a year old. And strawberries. And dairy. And pretty much everything allergy-inducing. And guess what? My kids don't have food allergies. Oddly enough, experts are starting to tell people to stop with the food delays, for fear that that is part of what is causing the allergies.

We use disposable diapers. We're killing the planet. As would the extra water, electricity and detergent that would go into the additional loads of laundry I'd be doing using cloth diapers. 

I travel away from my kids. Several times a year. It seems that parents who love each other and enjoy each other's company do a better job of staying together when they have time alone away from their kids, so there ya go. Wanting to put my marriage before my kids a few times a year contributed to that horrible mommy thing.

I could go on for days. I really could. I get it. I read your FB posts, the mommy blogs....all of it. I read between the lines. I realize you are such a better mother because of your "natural" birth, or your breastfeeding your kid till he's 9, or putting yours in a bubble til they turn 18. Good for you. But guess what? My kids are healthy, they are well-behaved, and they are smart as they can be--not to mention loved beyond belief.

Clearly, aside from all of the horrible things I've done, they are slowly but surely turning out okay. Why? Because in spite of the insinuations otherwise from all of you perfect mothers out there, I AM A GOOD MOM. No, I didn't have a homebirth for an uber-risky twin pregnancy where I ended up losing one with the best medical care possible. No, I'm not breastfeeding my 3 1/2 year old. No, I don't put earplugs on my kids when they go to watch fireworks. But in spite of all of that, my kids are turning out okay.

So please. Spare me the lectures. Stop with the guilt trips. Stop the insinuations. We all want healthy, happy kids. In the end, if that's what we end up with, how can any of us really be bad parents?

Something Supernatural

I have only shared this with a handful of people. It was a very private, personal experience that left me traumatized--especially once everything had turned full circle. However, I feel a deep desire and peace about sharing it at this time.

When I was 16 weeks pregnant with the twins, I fell into a very deep sleep during a nap. While sleeping, I had a very vivid (and later, poignant) dream that turned into my worst nightmare. In my dream, the twins had gotten into trouble, and the doctors decided that they needed to take them immediately. I was crying out to them that I was only 16 weeks pregnant, there was no way they would survive, but the doctors insisted that it was too dangerous for them to remain inside my womb.

Against my anguish that they wouldn't survive being born at 16 weeks, they were born via c-section. We had only recently found out that we were having a boy and a girl, and had already chosen their names--Wesley and Zenith. In this dream, Wesley didn't live long after being born. Jay and I were horrified at losing him, and both of us were in complete disbelief. At the same time, we were overjoyed, because Zenith (even though I consciously knew that, at 16 weeks, she would never survive) was crying lustily, and was pink, fat and healthy.

Approximately 16 weeks later, the unthinkable happened. During a routine NST (non-stress test), we found out that we had lost our little boy, Wesley. Ten days later, Zenith was born at 34 weeks, and came out screaming, clearly upset about being removed from her comfortable home. Nearly two years later, she is still healthy, unbelievably happy and such a joy! While we lost her brother, and will never get over the pain of that loss, God has blessed us immeasurably by allowing us to keep her with us on this earth, getting to know her sweet little face, and watching her grow and learn--trying to keep up with her big brother Andrew, whom she loves fiercely (and we're pretty sure he likes her too).

I don't know if this dream was a warning, or meant to give me comfort. At any rate, while the pain of being told stings to this day, I wasn't totally shocked when I found out that we had lost little Wesley.  Throughout the pregnancy, I had a strange feeling that I was waiting for bad news--more so than any expectant mother would. Yet, I also felt a comforting but odd peace that, no matter what happened, Zenith would be okay.

Raised Pentecostal, I was brought up to expect supernatural events to occur, and taught that spiritually supernatural things happen all the time. Having never experienced anything like that in my lifetime, over time, I became a skeptic. This event changed that skepticism. I am grateful for the preparation of what was to come, and the strength to go forward and focus on the positive of a healthy, happy little girl instead of getting caught up on and dwelling on the horrific events that happened to our family two years ago. My faith has been shaken, but not destroyed. I have questions, I have anger, and I have sadness.

More than anything, I have hope.

See? I'm Not Crazy!

I haven't blogged in so long, and this has been such a private struggle,  that I really didn't think writing this was worthwhile. Then I realized that, as open as I've been with my friends and family over the details of my life up until now, it didn't seem fair to not tell this story. It's long, but hopefully it will provide some understanding.

So, I'm not crazy. Well, not diagnostically, anyway. This week marked a new milestone in my life. One I know will be for the better! While I (and others around me) have wondered about my "crazy", it was officially diagnosed this week as ADHD. As a kid, I was unbelievably forgetful--I remember doing homework in class for my next class because I'd forgotten to do it. I studied for tests last-minute (thank God for good short-term memory) because I had completely forgotten I had a test.I was woken up at 2:30 a.m. one night to do dishes I had forgotten to do earlier, and my mother thought I was being belligerent. I coped. I dealt. I got good grades, so my inattentiveness and constantly being distracted was overlooked.

 As an adult, I continued to cope and deal as best I could, although several situations got the best of me. I wasn't even remotely interested in college, and got poor grades and a bad attitude because I didn't want to be there. Working in an office 8 hours a day was a nightmare. I hated doing the same thing, seeing the same people, and resented working for peanuts to do so. I tried other things that I could be self-employed and not have to work for other people, including (as some of you will remember) working as a real estate agent. I found my niche at 24 as a flight attendant, but that lifestyle isn't conducive to someone who longs to be a stay-at-home mom once her kids are born.

For the last year, my life has been a hot mess. Doctors were concerned I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and grief over the loss of our twin, Wesley. I had two babies under the age of 2 at home, am taking online classes to finish my Bachelor's degree (Spring of 2014!), and felt under a lot of pressure to be involved with friends and family activities and I reached a point where I just couldn't keep up anymore. I tried medication, and exercise, and counseling (which I detested). None of it seemed to work and the smallest tasks and minute irritations sent me into a rage. Leaving the house with two kids became a nightmare. Just getting out to the car, making sure I had everything with me, and getting the kids into their car seats would stress me out to the point of tears. Simple tasks became completely overwhelming and exhausting. 

For the past 12 years, Jay and I have constantly made jokes that I must have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) because I'm constantly scatterbrained, losing things and frustrated with routine. This past year, my coping mechanisms went out the window and were completely lost. The beautiful miracles God entrusted to me threw my struggles with attention and distractions into chaos. I was going to bed at night feeling conquered by my brain that--in my mind--was underused and overworked, and I couldn't figure out why.

In October, I came across a new story about ADD/ADHD and took a simple test that accompanied the article. I hit 8/10 on a possible diagnosis (with the caution to see your doctor, of course). I took more online tests. They all said the same thing. So at yet another appointment trying to pinpoint my anxiety, Jay and I broached the topic with my doctor. He listened. He heard our concerns and took what we had to say seriously. I was set up to an appointment with a psychologist (groan). 

The appointment with the psychologist couldn't have been better. I've had horrible experiences with psychologists in the past, and this doctor of psychology put all my fears to rest. He didn't want to re-hash my childhood (although he was interested in difficulties I had as a child), and he didn't want to try psychotherapy to make me self-aware about my feelings. Anybody who knows me knows I wear my feelings on my sleeve, so getting into my head isn't necessary. He also listened to what Jay and I had to say. He saw my restlessness, heard my constant interrupting of him or Jay when they were talking and listened to me laugh at myself about forever losing my car keys. 

He asked me to come back for a full evaluation. We're talking crazy story telling about weird photos, ink blots, math tests...the whole bit. I was pretty antsy and intimidated with the whole thing. But when it was all said and done, I have a diagnosis. I'm Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder of the Inattentive kind. I get distracted. I'm forgetful. I'm impulsive. I interrupt. I'm a little too passionate and over-focused for my own good. It's not anything I didn't already know, but I feel better knowing that there's nothing wrong with me, and with some medication, and learning some new coping mechanisms I can move forward from anxiety and stress into being a more productive person, a better mother, a better friend, and (someday, I hope) as good a wife to Jay as he has been a husband. 

To the people I've shut out, or if there are hard feelings--I am so sorry. I'm sorry for the interruptions, the missed play dates with our kids, the conversations I couldn't keep up with, the anger I've directed in wrong places, the frustrations I've expressed in inappropriate ways, and most importantly, the lack of quality friendship and affection you deserve--I'm sorry.

I'm not where I want to be quite yet, but I'm getting there, and this is just a start in that direction. I want to keep you all updated on this journey and share my joys and struggles as I enter a new phase in life, so stay tuned! There's much more to come!

2011 In Review

2011 was a crazy year, with a lot of ups and downs. Here's a quick review:

In January, we celebrated Andrew's first birthday. The poor little fella was sick, so we didn't get a massive cake-smashing eating session.

February was a pretty crazy month. We found out we were expecting what we thought was baby #2. It turned out, we were expecting babies 2 and 3.

In March, Jay and I took a 5 night cruise to Cozumel and Grand Cayman.

  April was a quiet month, trying to deal with the shock of expecting twins. Andy had fun playing outside once the weather started warming up a little bit.

In May, we went to Kentucky to visit our former pastor and his family. We had a great time! Andrew loved Joe's "tractor" and enjoyed riding with him. We also found out our twins were a girl and boy.

June, July and most of August flew by, as summers do. Andrew and I spent most days at my mom's pool, trying to keep cool, which got harder and harder as I got bigger and bigger.

The end of August closed with a bang, much like a gunshot, as it was very traumatic. On August 30, I went to the hospital for a routine NST (Non Stress Test). The nurses were having trouble finding two separate heartbeats, so the doctor ordered a BPP (Bio Physical Profile), which is where an ultrasound is done, and certain movements, breaths and other things are looked for to determine how a baby is faring. We found out that afternoon that our little boy's heart had stopped beating. We had chosen the name Wesley James for him, and in the tradition of choosing family names for our children, he was named after my great-great-great grandfather, Noah Wesley Hampton, my grandfather, James Talmadge Hampton, and Jay's grandfather, Harold James Hollinger. 

September was nothing but one day of crazy after another. For the first 10 days, I was in and out of the hospital, with contractions or concern that I wasn't feeling the other baby moving enough. On September 8, I was admitted overnight, and the doctors noticed our little girl's heart beat decline rapidly when I had a contraction. The next day, we had a routine ultrasound scheduled. During that time, the doctors discovered she had almost no amniotic fluid left. The decision was made to go ahead and deliver her first thing the next morning.  

On September 10, 2011, (9.10.11) Zenith Danielle Hollinger entered this world. She was born at 9:35 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 4 oz. She was pulled out of my tummy screaming, which was a huge relief after the pain and concern the last 10 days had brought us. Her name comes from her great-great aunt Zenith Marie (Hollinger) Blood.

Zenith spent the next 14 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), to learn how to "suck, swallow and breathe" at the same time. September 24 was a very bittersweet day for us. We laid Wesley to rest next to his Grandpa Bob and Uncle Alan. We also got to bring Zenith home that day.

October was an awesome month for us. We spent a day at the pumpkin patch, and on the 20th, Jay and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We had an amazing dinner at RuthsChris steakhouse. For Halloween, Andy dressed up as a cow. 

November brought Thanksgiving, and lots of time spent with family, who were all anxious to meet Zenith for the first time.

Christmas was exciting. Andrew is nearly two, so he was much more aware of what was going on. We'd been reading about Santa, so he knew a bit about what to expect this year. In early December, we rode the Coopersville/Marne Santa train. Andy's really into trains, so it was a lot of fun.

We spent Christmas Eve with Jay's family, as we've done the last 11 Christmases. Christmas Day was spent with my family, and Andrew got a very special present--a John Deere Power Wheels tractor! He was ecstatic! We ended Christmas with some good food, and a great game of cards.

2011 ended for us the way it has for several years now--our annual New Years Eve party. We had a great crowd, and even added some new friends to our bunch this year. After the whirlwind that was 2011, we're looking forward to a better year in 2012, with trips to Washington, DC, Arkansas, Chicago, and Mexico planned. Stay tuned!

Thankful Thursdays: Lots of Updates!

I promise, I'm going to try and get better about blogging. Two kids under the age of two don't leave a lot of time for that, but I find it a nice outlet, and whether anyone enjoys reading it or not, I enjoy sharing about our family's ups and downs.

Andrew has been sick since last Saturday. Great news: he's doing much, much better today! Holding everything down and no upset tummy. The only lingering problem seems to be that someone replaced our most excellent 10-12 hour a night sleeper with a little boy who gets up at 6 a.m. Every morning.

However, our little miracle of a daughter is sleeping mostly through the night at two months old. She'll be 10 weeks this Saturday, and has already caught up size-wise to a normal two month old baby! Her right foot is turning out at times, sometimes at a 90-degree angle. We had an ultrasound of her hips done yesterday and there doesn't appear to be a problem there, so the doctor thinks it was just how she was positioned in the womb, and believes it will clear up on its own. If it doesn't, we're aware of it early enough it should be correctable.

For those who've been wondering, we have received Wesley's autopsy reports and other information. We do have some answers, although we cannot share them at this time. We hope to be able to share them in the near future.

I am still enrolled in school, and expect to graduate with my BA in Marketing in late 2013.

On a completely unrelated note, I saw the most cold, callous thing I believe I've ever seen in my entire life yesterday. While waiting for Zenith to go into her ultrasound, a teenage boy was begging his mom to go into his radiation treatment with him. He was probably 13 or 14, and you could tell he was very sick. His worthless excuse for a mother let him know that she was far too busy studying and he'd be fine by himself. I'm sure my mouth was hanging open. I wanted to speak up, but I was far too emotional to be rational with the woman. I just couldn't believe a mother could be that indifferent to her sick child who obviously needed her so badly. Had I not had Zenith with me, I'd have went in with the fella and held his poor hand during his treatment. It's appalling when a stranger has more compassion for a child than that child's own mother.

And happier times--Jay and I are heading to Washington, D.C.! We took a bump on our flight to Florida when we went on our cruise in March. We got two free tickets for taking a later flight. They expire next year, so we're cashing them in to use them before they expire. Any tips on what to see or what not to miss? The Air and Space Museum is tops on Jay's list, and the Holocaust Museum and Spy Museum are high on mine.

10 weeks post partum, I am officially pre-baby weight--for both pregnancies! I still have a ways to go in my weight loss, but that's a heck of a start, considering it took me a whole year to lose my weight with Andrew. We've got a big trip to Mexico next year, so I have some motivation and something to work hard for!

Since I'm going to start doing "thankful Thursdays," I should probably mention at least one thing I'm thankful for. I thank God every day for two happy, healthy babies who've changed my life for the better in more ways than I could have ever imagined.