See? I'm Not Crazy!

I haven't blogged in so long, and this has been such a private struggle,  that I really didn't think writing this was worthwhile. Then I realized that, as open as I've been with my friends and family over the details of my life up until now, it didn't seem fair to not tell this story. It's long, but hopefully it will provide some understanding.

So, I'm not crazy. Well, not diagnostically, anyway. This week marked a new milestone in my life. One I know will be for the better! While I (and others around me) have wondered about my "crazy", it was officially diagnosed this week as ADHD. As a kid, I was unbelievably forgetful--I remember doing homework in class for my next class because I'd forgotten to do it. I studied for tests last-minute (thank God for good short-term memory) because I had completely forgotten I had a test.I was woken up at 2:30 a.m. one night to do dishes I had forgotten to do earlier, and my mother thought I was being belligerent. I coped. I dealt. I got good grades, so my inattentiveness and constantly being distracted was overlooked.

 As an adult, I continued to cope and deal as best I could, although several situations got the best of me. I wasn't even remotely interested in college, and got poor grades and a bad attitude because I didn't want to be there. Working in an office 8 hours a day was a nightmare. I hated doing the same thing, seeing the same people, and resented working for peanuts to do so. I tried other things that I could be self-employed and not have to work for other people, including (as some of you will remember) working as a real estate agent. I found my niche at 24 as a flight attendant, but that lifestyle isn't conducive to someone who longs to be a stay-at-home mom once her kids are born.

For the last year, my life has been a hot mess. Doctors were concerned I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and grief over the loss of our twin, Wesley. I had two babies under the age of 2 at home, am taking online classes to finish my Bachelor's degree (Spring of 2014!), and felt under a lot of pressure to be involved with friends and family activities and I reached a point where I just couldn't keep up anymore. I tried medication, and exercise, and counseling (which I detested). None of it seemed to work and the smallest tasks and minute irritations sent me into a rage. Leaving the house with two kids became a nightmare. Just getting out to the car, making sure I had everything with me, and getting the kids into their car seats would stress me out to the point of tears. Simple tasks became completely overwhelming and exhausting. 

For the past 12 years, Jay and I have constantly made jokes that I must have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) because I'm constantly scatterbrained, losing things and frustrated with routine. This past year, my coping mechanisms went out the window and were completely lost. The beautiful miracles God entrusted to me threw my struggles with attention and distractions into chaos. I was going to bed at night feeling conquered by my brain that--in my mind--was underused and overworked, and I couldn't figure out why.

In October, I came across a new story about ADD/ADHD and took a simple test that accompanied the article. I hit 8/10 on a possible diagnosis (with the caution to see your doctor, of course). I took more online tests. They all said the same thing. So at yet another appointment trying to pinpoint my anxiety, Jay and I broached the topic with my doctor. He listened. He heard our concerns and took what we had to say seriously. I was set up to an appointment with a psychologist (groan). 

The appointment with the psychologist couldn't have been better. I've had horrible experiences with psychologists in the past, and this doctor of psychology put all my fears to rest. He didn't want to re-hash my childhood (although he was interested in difficulties I had as a child), and he didn't want to try psychotherapy to make me self-aware about my feelings. Anybody who knows me knows I wear my feelings on my sleeve, so getting into my head isn't necessary. He also listened to what Jay and I had to say. He saw my restlessness, heard my constant interrupting of him or Jay when they were talking and listened to me laugh at myself about forever losing my car keys. 

He asked me to come back for a full evaluation. We're talking crazy story telling about weird photos, ink blots, math tests...the whole bit. I was pretty antsy and intimidated with the whole thing. But when it was all said and done, I have a diagnosis. I'm Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder of the Inattentive kind. I get distracted. I'm forgetful. I'm impulsive. I interrupt. I'm a little too passionate and over-focused for my own good. It's not anything I didn't already know, but I feel better knowing that there's nothing wrong with me, and with some medication, and learning some new coping mechanisms I can move forward from anxiety and stress into being a more productive person, a better mother, a better friend, and (someday, I hope) as good a wife to Jay as he has been a husband. 

To the people I've shut out, or if there are hard feelings--I am so sorry. I'm sorry for the interruptions, the missed play dates with our kids, the conversations I couldn't keep up with, the anger I've directed in wrong places, the frustrations I've expressed in inappropriate ways, and most importantly, the lack of quality friendship and affection you deserve--I'm sorry.

I'm not where I want to be quite yet, but I'm getting there, and this is just a start in that direction. I want to keep you all updated on this journey and share my joys and struggles as I enter a new phase in life, so stay tuned! There's much more to come!

2011 In Review

2011 was a crazy year, with a lot of ups and downs. Here's a quick review:

In January, we celebrated Andrew's first birthday. The poor little fella was sick, so we didn't get a massive cake-smashing eating session.

February was a pretty crazy month. We found out we were expecting what we thought was baby #2. It turned out, we were expecting babies 2 and 3.

In March, Jay and I took a 5 night cruise to Cozumel and Grand Cayman.

  April was a quiet month, trying to deal with the shock of expecting twins. Andy had fun playing outside once the weather started warming up a little bit.

In May, we went to Kentucky to visit our former pastor and his family. We had a great time! Andrew loved Joe's "tractor" and enjoyed riding with him. We also found out our twins were a girl and boy.

June, July and most of August flew by, as summers do. Andrew and I spent most days at my mom's pool, trying to keep cool, which got harder and harder as I got bigger and bigger.

The end of August closed with a bang, much like a gunshot, as it was very traumatic. On August 30, I went to the hospital for a routine NST (Non Stress Test). The nurses were having trouble finding two separate heartbeats, so the doctor ordered a BPP (Bio Physical Profile), which is where an ultrasound is done, and certain movements, breaths and other things are looked for to determine how a baby is faring. We found out that afternoon that our little boy's heart had stopped beating. We had chosen the name Wesley James for him, and in the tradition of choosing family names for our children, he was named after my great-great-great grandfather, Noah Wesley Hampton, my grandfather, James Talmadge Hampton, and Jay's grandfather, Harold James Hollinger. 

September was nothing but one day of crazy after another. For the first 10 days, I was in and out of the hospital, with contractions or concern that I wasn't feeling the other baby moving enough. On September 8, I was admitted overnight, and the doctors noticed our little girl's heart beat decline rapidly when I had a contraction. The next day, we had a routine ultrasound scheduled. During that time, the doctors discovered she had almost no amniotic fluid left. The decision was made to go ahead and deliver her first thing the next morning.  

On September 10, 2011, (9.10.11) Zenith Danielle Hollinger entered this world. She was born at 9:35 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 4 oz. She was pulled out of my tummy screaming, which was a huge relief after the pain and concern the last 10 days had brought us. Her name comes from her great-great aunt Zenith Marie (Hollinger) Blood.

Zenith spent the next 14 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), to learn how to "suck, swallow and breathe" at the same time. September 24 was a very bittersweet day for us. We laid Wesley to rest next to his Grandpa Bob and Uncle Alan. We also got to bring Zenith home that day.

October was an awesome month for us. We spent a day at the pumpkin patch, and on the 20th, Jay and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We had an amazing dinner at RuthsChris steakhouse. For Halloween, Andy dressed up as a cow. 

November brought Thanksgiving, and lots of time spent with family, who were all anxious to meet Zenith for the first time.

Christmas was exciting. Andrew is nearly two, so he was much more aware of what was going on. We'd been reading about Santa, so he knew a bit about what to expect this year. In early December, we rode the Coopersville/Marne Santa train. Andy's really into trains, so it was a lot of fun.

We spent Christmas Eve with Jay's family, as we've done the last 11 Christmases. Christmas Day was spent with my family, and Andrew got a very special present--a John Deere Power Wheels tractor! He was ecstatic! We ended Christmas with some good food, and a great game of cards.

2011 ended for us the way it has for several years now--our annual New Years Eve party. We had a great crowd, and even added some new friends to our bunch this year. After the whirlwind that was 2011, we're looking forward to a better year in 2012, with trips to Washington, DC, Arkansas, Chicago, and Mexico planned. Stay tuned!