I haven't blogged in so long, and this has been such a private struggle, that I really didn't think writing this was worthwhile. Then I realized that, as open as I've been with my friends and family over the details of my life up until now, it didn't seem fair to not tell this story. It's long, but hopefully it will provide some understanding.
So, I'm not crazy. Well, not diagnostically, anyway. This week marked a new milestone in my life. One I know will be for the better! While I (and others around me) have wondered about my "crazy", it was officially diagnosed this week as ADHD. As a kid, I was unbelievably forgetful--I remember doing homework in class for my next class because I'd forgotten to do it. I studied for tests last-minute (thank God for good short-term memory) because I had completely forgotten I had a test.I was woken up at 2:30 a.m. one night to do dishes I had forgotten to do earlier, and my mother thought I was being belligerent. I coped. I dealt. I got good grades, so my inattentiveness and constantly being distracted was overlooked.
So, I'm not crazy. Well, not diagnostically, anyway. This week marked a new milestone in my life. One I know will be for the better! While I (and others around me) have wondered about my "crazy", it was officially diagnosed this week as ADHD. As a kid, I was unbelievably forgetful--I remember doing homework in class for my next class because I'd forgotten to do it. I studied for tests last-minute (thank God for good short-term memory) because I had completely forgotten I had a test.I was woken up at 2:30 a.m. one night to do dishes I had forgotten to do earlier, and my mother thought I was being belligerent. I coped. I dealt. I got good grades, so my inattentiveness and constantly being distracted was overlooked.
As an adult, I continued to cope and deal as best I could, although several situations got the best of me. I wasn't even remotely interested in college, and got poor grades and a bad attitude because I didn't want to be there. Working in an office 8 hours a day was a nightmare. I hated doing the same thing, seeing the same people, and resented working for peanuts to do so. I tried other things that I could be self-employed and not have to work for other people, including (as some of you will remember) working as a real estate agent. I found my niche at 24 as a flight attendant, but that lifestyle isn't conducive to someone who longs to be a stay-at-home mom once her kids are born.
For the last year, my life has been a hot mess. Doctors were concerned I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and grief over the loss of our twin, Wesley. I had two babies under the age of 2 at home, am taking online classes to finish my Bachelor's degree (Spring of 2014!), and felt under a lot of pressure to be involved with friends and family activities and I reached a point where I just couldn't keep up anymore. I tried medication, and exercise, and counseling (which I detested). None of it seemed to work and the smallest tasks and minute irritations sent me into a rage. Leaving the house with two kids became a nightmare. Just getting out to the car, making sure I had everything with me, and getting the kids into their car seats would stress me out to the point of tears. Simple tasks became completely overwhelming and exhausting.
For the past 12 years, Jay and I have constantly made jokes that I must have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) because I'm constantly scatterbrained, losing things and frustrated with routine. This past year, my coping mechanisms went out the window and were completely lost. The beautiful miracles God entrusted to me threw my struggles with attention and distractions into chaos. I was going to bed at night feeling conquered by my brain that--in my mind--was underused and overworked, and I couldn't figure out why.
In October, I came across a new story about ADD/ADHD and took a simple test that accompanied the article. I hit 8/10 on a possible diagnosis (with the caution to see your doctor, of course). I took more online tests. They all said the same thing. So at yet another appointment trying to pinpoint my anxiety, Jay and I broached the topic with my doctor. He listened. He heard our concerns and took what we had to say seriously. I was set up to an appointment with a psychologist (groan).
The appointment with the psychologist couldn't have been better. I've had horrible experiences with psychologists in the past, and this doctor of psychology put all my fears to rest. He didn't want to re-hash my childhood (although he was interested in difficulties I had as a child), and he didn't want to try psychotherapy to make me self-aware about my feelings. Anybody who knows me knows I wear my feelings on my sleeve, so getting into my head isn't necessary. He also listened to what Jay and I had to say. He saw my restlessness, heard my constant interrupting of him or Jay when they were talking and listened to me laugh at myself about forever losing my car keys.
He asked me to come back for a full evaluation. We're talking crazy story telling about weird photos, ink blots, math tests...the whole bit. I was pretty antsy and intimidated with the whole thing. But when it was all said and done, I have a diagnosis. I'm Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder of the Inattentive kind. I get distracted. I'm forgetful. I'm impulsive. I interrupt. I'm a little too passionate and over-focused for my own good. It's not anything I didn't already know, but I feel better knowing that there's nothing wrong with me, and with some medication, and learning some new coping mechanisms I can move forward from anxiety and stress into being a more productive person, a better mother, a better friend, and (someday, I hope) as good a wife to Jay as he has been a husband.
To the people I've shut out, or if there are hard feelings--I am so sorry. I'm sorry for the interruptions, the missed play dates with our kids, the conversations I couldn't keep up with, the anger I've directed in wrong places, the frustrations I've expressed in inappropriate ways, and most importantly, the lack of quality friendship and affection you deserve--I'm sorry.
I'm not where I want to be quite yet, but I'm getting there, and this is just a start in that direction. I want to keep you all updated on this journey and share my joys and struggles as I enter a new phase in life, so stay tuned! There's much more to come!
